sorry it's been so long. I'm not even sure if anyone's still checking my blog. I blame facebook (and thanks for joining, mom, it does make things easier, even if you do have to see some pretty sketch photos of me)
this is a reprint of a comment that I posted on Melbine's blog (a patch of blue). Read her original post here: http://melbine.blogspot.com/
Comment starts here:
I'm going to be verbose here, sorry. It just struck a chord.
My own personal theory on bullies is to push back or to just ignore them... I'm far to stubborn to back down but it's just not worth my time to engage, so I tend to diffuse and walk away... in my past I worked with a fierce bully. I went head to head with her on issues that I felt warranted the confrontation, but on the smaller stuff, I walked away. She may not have liked me (at all), but she did respect me.
Trying to explain this kind of strategy to the kids (at my school, and kids I knew in Canada) though, who are bullied, that's not so easy.
Funny you wrote about this at this time - today I had two different kids talking to me about their bullying problems (being bullied).
One of the kids is a prime target in that he's really really small for his age - seriously tiny. His strategy is avoidance, he just avoids situations where he may be bullied. This means that some lunchtimes (when bullying is of course most common), he's hanging out in the teachers room with me or with other teachers... I understand that and although it's not always convenient, he's always welcome.
Surprisingly, the other kid is an incredibly popular young guy, athletic, an excellent student, super nice, classroom president and very popular with the ladies. These factors seem to make him a prime target for bullying - kids that are tough and jealous I think.
Bullying seems to be more about either group-think or self-confidence issues - and until the self-confidence of the "leading" bully is fixed, the bullying behaviour will continue (most likely into adulthood).
I don't know how to fix this with the kids, I wish I did. But in both cases, I think standing up to the bullies wouldn't really help so much, it would probably just aggravate the situation. And as the kids are dealing with each other on a daily basis, aggravation is the last thing that's needed.
In my mind, it all comes down to the parents' responsibilities in raising their kids. If you instill a healthy sense of self and develop healthy sense of confidence in your child then they're better able to deal with bully situations, and are less likely to be bullies. Both of these kids seem to have both, and have developed coping mechanisms, but it still hurts.
So I guess this goes out to all those korean parents with kids at my middle school reading your blog -- stop defining your kids' accomplishments (and self-worth) by comparison to other kids - while it's the easiest thing to do (ie. good job, you're at the top of your class - or bad job, there were other soccer players who were better) be a bit more creative. If kids are taught to value themselves through comparisons, they'll always bully, so they'll win by comparison or humiliate the opposition. And once they learn that they can get people to roll over by bullying them, they'll keep bullying - again, the easiest way, not the most creative way - to get things done.
Thanks for letting me vent. It's apples and oranges, but...
disclaimer 1 - I have no children
disclaimer 2 - I was not really ever bullied as a child, I would have none of that kind of bulls**t from a young age, and being from a small town, that kind of stuck.
disclaimer 3 - I _absolutely_ failed kid number 2 today, I had no idea what to say or do to make him feel better or help him resolve his problem. And I feel horribly about it. Any suggestions are really welcome. I'm out of my depth, in part because of disclaimer 2.
END COMMENT
Am I right? Am I wrong? And furthermore, as an adult in a world of kids, how can I help?
Seeing kids cry (or look like they're going to cry) sucks. It really, really, really sucks. And as someone who wears her emotions on her face, I know how vulnerable it feels to know you're showing that something hurt you - when that's the last thing you want to be doing. Please advise.
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2 comments:
my advice can be found in the movie Karate Kid.
I grew up bullied in various forms from grade 1 through high school. My mother (before starting her psychotherapy career) always said, "They're insecure." and "They have inferiority complexes." and "ignore them." As an adult I know that that she was right, but so what? That does nothing to soothe the bullied kid and had I repeated her words to the bullies I might have had my ass kicked either physically (which was rare) or verbally (quite common).
From a personal perspective I don't entirely agree with "If you instill a healthy sense of self and develop healthy sense of confidence in your child then they're better able to deal with bully situations, and are less likely to be bullies."
You know me and my parents. They're wonderful, supportive people and if it weren't for them I might have killed myself in my teens.
I think that parental guidance could help somewhat, but kids spend most of their time with other kids and it's the opinions of their peers that stick. Parents are the uncool adults who "have to say" positive things about their kids.
Still, I think that instilling that self esteem etc. is an important first step. It must start at home. It then needs to be somehow reinforced outside of the home. The "kids will be kids" attitude is a dangerous one that can lead to serious damage. Kids will be kids but then they need to be held accountable for their actions. As an adult I realize that children have no understanding of long term affects. There's no way for them to understand that bullying can cause self esteem issues for years nor do they have reason to care. However, they can understand right from wrong. It's sad that teachers have to also be psychologists, disciplinarians and mediators but when you consider that kids and adults spend more time at school/work- and hence with their peers- than they do at home, it makes sense that their non-home life has so much significance.
Kids will pick on the weak kids and the weird kids and it's hard to gain strength when being worn down all the time. Are kids bullied because they lack confidence, are depressed and have low self esteem or is that the result of bullying? Vicious cycle, I think. Add brain chemistry to the mix and stir. I don't think I lacked confidence when I was 6 but perhaps I lacked the tools to deal with the group- think.
Hopefully these kids will grow up to be stubborn, feisty and not take shit from anyone.
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